Transcript
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From the time that they pronounced me deaf was a good 45 minutes.
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They cut my clothes and then they paddled my heart, my heart had stopped.
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And I could see people screaming and crying, but I didn't realize that was actually my
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physical body because I was somewhere else.
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The only thing that I could feel, if you could imagine, absolute love and peace, there wasn't
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anything else to be felt.
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I was greeted by people I'd known in the past.
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I'm back home again.
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Incredibly safe and felt at home.
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All right, welcome to round trip death, everybody.
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Welcome to our special guest today, Betty Guadagnio.
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How did I do?
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Pretty good.
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Nobody can see your thumbs up.
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You have to say something.
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You did really well.
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OK, I appreciate that.
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From here on, you'll just be Betty G or just Betty, but anyway, it's so good to have you.
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You're an unusual guest and that's a good thing.
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OK, I'll take it as a compliment then.
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Well part of the reason is because you actually work for Ions who we've talked about on this
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show before.
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Tell us a little bit about you and how you found Ions and what you do for them.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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So if anybody's unfamiliar with what that acronym is, Ions stands for the International
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Association for Near Death Studies.
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Sounds fancy?
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It is.
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I'm really grateful to have an opportunity to work for this organization.
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At Ions, we have an online community, which is how I found my way there.
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And we have open sharing groups multiple times within a week.
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So as I was integrating my own spiritual experience, I found a group of other experiencers who were
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very open, very honest, very vulnerable and authentic, and they were sharing about their
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experiences.
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They were sharing about the tools that they used to integrate.
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They were sharing about their collective wisdom that they had achieved in the spiritual space.
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And it gave me a lot of opportunity to ground my own spiritual experience.
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And then I quickly went into service.
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Since my spiritual awakening, I've had this very intense draw to be of service to others.
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So I began moderating and facilitating our sharing groups online.
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And then I was quickly taken into the fold to work on the production side of things.
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So I actually am the webinar coordinator for our online community.
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So I find speakers.
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I hold space.
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I create panels and workshops that give space for experiencers to share.
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And then I also host Ions podcast on their YouTube channel, which is Ions videos.
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And our podcast is called Explore the Extraordinary.
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And the podcast is really an opportunity to open up to all mystical experiences.
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Obviously, the root of our organization is the research around near-death experiences.
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But now we're growing and expanding into all mystical experiences and creating conscious
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space for that.
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And that's the purpose of the podcast.
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And don't forget Buddha Betty on YouTube.
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Yes, that's my own personal YouTube.
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Buddha Betty, it's a play on words.
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Yeah.
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And you do lots of interviews there.
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Now, some people may want to do these online groups you were talking about, but there are
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also local in-person groups all over the place, aren't there?
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Absolutely.
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Yes, there's local groups.
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And if there isn't a local group in your area, we have information on our website on how
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to create one.
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And I really think that there is a great call for conscious space.
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And there is this great call for people to be supporting each other as we make the paranormal
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normal and we make the extraordinary ordinary.
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I feel like so many of us are having these experiences or just stepping into spiritual
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awareness, even if it's been a slow and steady spiritual journey, because it is for many people.
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And I think that it's so great just to create that space for people to be able to support
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each other.
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I talk to people all the time that had an NDE 20, 30, 40 or more years ago.
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And back then they didn't care to talk about it.
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And they seem to find it very therapeutic to be able to talk about it now.
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And I would think even more so with a group of people who may have had a similar type
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of experience.
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Oh my goodness.
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Yes.
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It really makes you feel not as unique as you think you are when you get to get around
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other people and they're sharing your story back to you.
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And I think for people to come out of their spiritual closet and to be able to really
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unleash their authenticity is, for me, it's been the main part of my spiritual process.
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And evolving has been really tapping into my authenticity.
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And I think that sharing our spiritual experiences is a big part of that.
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Well, I know the group closest to me is in Salt Lake City and they get sometimes a couple
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of hundred people out to a meeting.
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Plus they have it online for those that just want to watch.
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And just wonderful people.
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I didn't make it to the National Conference in DC this year, but I was at the one, the
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National Conference in Salt Lake City last fall.
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And I can tell you, if you haven't been to one before, yes, there is science behind it
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and there's plenty of people with PhDs and all kinds of initials after their name talking,
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but there's also just real people and everybody is so, what is the word?
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I don't know.
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It's just so accepting and inclusive and nobody was saying, no, what you believe is wrong
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and what I believe is right or any of that.
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It was just a lot of people getting together and I hate to call it a love fest, but I mean,
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it was just really nice.
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Yeah.
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I heard somebody call it this last year, a very heart-centered space.
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And that's exactly what it is.
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I went to the, my first conference was the one in Salt Lake City in 2022 and I was so
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scared because I didn't know anybody.
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I was going by myself and I hadn't really gotten as involved with IAMs as I am now.
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And so I really didn't know anybody and I walked into the hotel and the second that
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I walked through the door, it was like this wave of tingles just took over me and I was
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like, whoa, I'm home.
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I've never felt this kind of vibration before and I didn't know anybody and I still had
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an amazing time.
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I made soul connections.
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You should see people spot each other from like across the room and they are just like
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magnetized to each other and they're like, I know you.
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I mean, like I don't know you, but I know you on some soul level.
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I watched so many situations like that unfold while I was there.
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I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.
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It was so incredible.
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It really is such a beautiful space.
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And our podcast was fairly new back then, but some of the people that had been on the
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show found me and just ran up and gave me a hug and was so nice.
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So if you have any favorites from this show, you know, you may see them at the next conference
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and you can go up and give them a big hug and tell them you appreciate them sharing.
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Anyway, let's talk about you now.
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Me, me, me, me, me, finally.
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I was wondering when we were going to get here.
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Finally.
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Do you have quite the past young lady?
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I do.
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Yeah.
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Should I paint you a picture of it?
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Yeah.
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Go ahead.
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Cause I want it to be in your words, not mine.
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And this is without judgment.
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That was only a joke, but yeah, go ahead.
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Oh yeah.
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You know, just like brief little trigger warning.
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I do say some very triggering things because my life was very triggering.
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So I grew up in this very chaotic dysfunctional home.
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My whole family is a perpetual cycle of addiction and poverty and everything that goes along
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with that, which includes sexual trauma, emotional trauma, physical trauma.
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And it's been that way for generations and generations.
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And it's exhausting being the one to break all the generational curses, but I guess that's
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what I'm doing here.
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So I grew up using drugs to cope with my feelings.
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You know, I experienced sexual trauma as a young child and I learned how to use and cope
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from my family.
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And I would see that whenever they were going through an emotion, any emotion, it could
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be joy and elation or it could be sadness and depression.
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They would take a pill or they would smoke something or they would drink something and
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their whole mood changed.
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And as a little kid, I said, I want that.
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I want to be able to do that.
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So the second that I could, I did.
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And so I started using drugs really early in my life.
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And you know, everything that goes along with that, I thought that it made me cool.
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I thought that it was my personality.
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I thought that I was a rebel.
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And you know, I watched my parents deteriorate with their own drug addiction.
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And in 2007, my parents had reached another bottom.
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I mean, they had hit so many bottoms in their life.
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But this bottom was pretty exceptional.
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And they were about to be evicted for, you know, like the millionth time, the lights
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were turned off, the gas was turned off, the phone was turned off, there was no money.
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And they made this decision that they had to end their suffering and stop using drugs.
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And they did that by committing suicide with one another.
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And how old were you then?
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I was 23 when that happened.
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And my sister was 18.
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And we found them and they left notes and they were very brief.
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They were actually written on like the kitchen notepad that you would make a shopping list
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on.
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And, you know, it didn't explain anything.
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But you know, in some way, I understood because I knew how incredibly they were suffering
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in their life, you know, like not having money can really make a person do crazy things.
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Like just not having any sort of financial security.
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And then along with the addiction and all of the mental stuff that goes along with that.
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And this was really, they thought that this was their only out.
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Yeah, you know, it was just so traumatizing and so traumatic.
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And my sister and I coped in very different ways.
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I went like headfirst into my own addiction.
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And my addiction kind of became my parent.
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It felt like my addiction spoke to me and said, I'll never leave you.
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I'll never abandon you.
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It's me and you together forever.
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And so it became my best friend.
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It became my parent.
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It became my companion.
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It became my whole personality.
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I'm covered in tattoos of liquor bottles and packs of cigarettes.
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Like this was my identity.
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This was what I was going to do until I died.
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And I thought that the only way to stop using drugs was to die because that's what I saw
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modeled to me.
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How did you turn things around?
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Or am I jumping ahead too far?
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No, no, that's good.
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Yeah.
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I changed things around.
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Well, I died.
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That helped.
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Yeah, I had this really transformative spiritual experience after an overdose of drugs in 2019.
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And you know, I had experienced a lot more trauma in my life.
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After my parents' death, I decided that I would never be a victim to my circumstance
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ever again.
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That I would now be the perpetrator in people's storylines that I would be the abuser because
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those were the only options that I thought there was.
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There was victim and victimizer.
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I didn't know that there was any other role to play.
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And so, you know, I really caused a lot of harm in my life.
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I mean mountains and mountains and mountains of harm.
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So I had this overdose.
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And when I overdosed, I was a militant atheist.
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And as my experience started to unfold, I was so pissed.
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I was so mad that I was wrong as I started to experience this unconditional love.
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I was like, how can I be wrong?
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Okay.
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Back up a little bit.
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Don't jump ahead too fast on me here.
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Okay.
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The day that this happened, what was going with something, did something lead up to you
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doing more drugs than usual to an overdose?
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What happened?
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So, the thing that led me to using more drugs was that I was going to go do my laundry.
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And I thought, oh, I might as well be wavy for some mundane human task.
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And the drugs that I used every day at this point in my addiction, because this is the
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tail end of my addiction, every day I used heroin, methamphetamine, ketamine, some sort
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of hallucinogen, whether it was psilocybin or LSD.
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And then some sort of like, like benzo, like, you know, like a piece of a Xanax to sort
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of like tie it all together.
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So every day I was using an insane amount of drugs anyway.
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But this one particular day, I decided to take a little more of each of the drugs and
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it activated a spiritual awakening.
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So I didn't technically die.
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I was conscious for my awakening process.
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Today I have some language for it.
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What I experienced was a spontaneous Kundalini awakening.
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And the drugs activated my Kundalini energy.
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And if you're unfamiliar with what that term is, Kundalini roughly translates into life
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force.
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So I had this life force energy activation.
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Every single one of my chakras became activated and online all at the exact same moment.
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And as my third eye and my crown opened, it felt like my spirit shot out of my body.
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I gotta ask and you don't have to answer if you don't want to.
243
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:27,240
How does one, I don't know, survive taking all those drugs?
244
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,200
You couldn't hold down a job, could you?
245
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,240
No, no.
246
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,960
My life was immersed in prostitution.
247
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:37,160
That's how I made money to support my drug habit or anything that I could do.
248
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:41,920
I would steal, I would lie, I would cheat, you know, anything that I could do to get
249
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,320
a little bit of money to be able to afford my habit.
250
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,320
Okay.
251
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,800
Explain more what happened here.
252
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,320
So you're at the laundromat?
253
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,680
It started at the laundromat, yes.
254
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,720
And I realized that I took too much as I was like putting the clothes into the washing
255
00:14:58,720 --> 00:14:59,720
machine.
256
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,040
I live in New York, so we go to outside laundromats.
257
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:06,080
And I, you know, like everything started to kind of feel funny.
258
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:10,680
Like the quarters felt like they were the size of my face as I was putting them in.
259
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,960
The paper money felt like tree bark.
260
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,160
And I said, I gotta get out of here.
261
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,200
And so I started to run home.
262
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:22,080
And as I was running home, I was going at a very quick pace.
263
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,520
Every time I got to a corner, I would see the street signs.
264
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,120
So I would see Madison and Stuyvesant.
265
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:32,880
And then I would run to the next block and it would say Madison and Stuyvesant again.
266
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,280
And the next block, it would say it again.
267
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,240
And it felt like I was stuck inside of this loop.
268
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:44,200
And then all of a sudden the whole world became washed in the brightest white light that you
269
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,240
could ever imagine.
270
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:52,240
And then I witnessed all of the buildings around me crumbling to the ground.
271
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:57,940
And all that was left of them was the green lines of matrix code that made them up.
272
00:15:57,940 --> 00:16:02,640
So like the fabric of reality is crashing before my eyes.
273
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,680
So now I really start the high tail at home.
274
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,280
I walk in through my front door.
275
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:07,840
I finally get there.
276
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,160
It felt like it took me six hours to get there.
277
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,760
It might have been six minutes.
278
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:17,720
And as I entered the doorway, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.
279
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,840
And I thought, who is that?
280
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,800
I have no idea who this person is.
281
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:27,160
And then I heard my mother and my father's voice come into my consciousness.
282
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:31,600
And I heard my mother say, what are we doing inside of our daughter?
283
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,800
And then I started to get downloaded with just everything.
284
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:41,080
Like every, the whole fabric of creation started to unfold inside my mind.
285
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,640
The whole storyline of creation.
286
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:49,800
And it kind of felt like I was my parents and that I was downloaded with their suicide.
287
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:54,000
And I could feel the intense anguish.
288
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,760
And I kind of liken this to like a life review.
289
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,600
Because I was experiencing their suicide from their point of view.
290
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,680
And then I was experiencing it from the perspective of a grieving daughter,
291
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,280
the way that I had actually experienced it.
292
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,920
And it was all so overwhelming.
293
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,880
And then all of my other memories started to come into my awareness.
294
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:21,560
And I began to feel the way that I had made others feel as I victimized them and hurt them.
295
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:27,400
And it felt like every cell in my body was covered in concrete and static.
296
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,600
It was so heavy.
297
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:33,280
It felt like hell, like what people describe hell to be like.
298
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,520
That is what my life review felt like.
299
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:40,120
And I was stuck inside this super low energy.
300
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:44,400
Just so people understand, and I ends is on board with this.
301
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:50,240
Someone's heart doesn't have to stop to have what we call a near-death experience.
302
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,120
And that was your case.
303
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,800
And that's been the case of some other people that we've had on this show.
304
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,920
I've learned a lot as we've gone along.
305
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:03,000
The intro to the show used to start with something like, you know,
306
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,120
we're interviewing people who have actually died and seen the other side
307
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,880
and come back to talk about it.
308
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,120
And that's true.
309
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:16,080
But these experiences, like you're describing, fit in that category as well.
310
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,040
Yeah, definitely.
311
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,520
They're near-death-like experiences,
312
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:24,200
because it's all the same major points of a near-death experience.
313
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:30,000
The life review, the seeing loved ones that have crossed over, the white light,
314
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:34,400
you know, like all of these other things that are part of, yeah,
315
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,920
like just the common near-death experience.
316
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,280
So you were feeling a hell type of experience.
317
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,480
Did it progress beyond that?
318
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:47,200
Yeah. So, you know, like as I'm feeling, again, like today,
319
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,280
I can conceptualize it as a life review.
320
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,840
But then I just thought, oh man, I died and I'm in hell.
321
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,800
So I started to hear these masculine voices.
322
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,000
I started to hear my own divine masculine voice.
323
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,080
I recognized it as myself.
324
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,400
And he was guiding me into the light.
325
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,320
And then my father came in and I had had a boyfriend
326
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,960
that had recently passed away as well.
327
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,320
And so their voices were familiar to me.
328
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,640
Their energy felt familiar to me.
329
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,080
And they kept saying over and over again,
330
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,360
you are worthy of all the love in the universe.
331
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,640
You are worthy of all the love in the universe.
332
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,880
And so I started to follow those voices.
333
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:31,200
And I found myself landed on what felt a lot like a spaceship.
334
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,120
It was all covered in complete white light.
335
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:36,280
Everything that I'm going to describe
336
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:39,480
is the images that were coming to my mind's eye.
337
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,440
But on this spaceship deck, it looked
338
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,800
a lot like the Gravitron ride at Carnivals.
339
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,680
I don't know if anybody can remember that,
340
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,280
but it's like the spaceship that spins really fast.
341
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,040
And you throw yourself up against the wall
342
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,040
and there's no gravity.
343
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,960
So you can like flip upside down.
344
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,000
That's what it felt like.
345
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,360
It felt like I had come out of the side of one of those panels.
346
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,160
And I was standing on the deck.
347
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,400
And there was thousands and thousands of other souls
348
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,280
all around me.
349
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,920
And there was this commander in the center.
350
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:11,320
And whether you want to call it Christ or Krishna or Buddha,
351
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,760
just some sort of higher consciousness
352
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,360
was the commander of all of these souls.
353
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:20,000
And we were all getting hyped up for our mission to Earth.
354
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,440
And everybody was so excited and screaming.
355
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:27,120
And everybody was so happy to be going down to Earth
356
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:28,400
for this mission.
357
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,280
And the download that came through
358
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:34,040
was that we were all coming down for the Great Awakening,
359
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,400
that there would be a transformation of consciousness
360
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,720
while we were incarnate on Earth.
361
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,400
And we were going down to help shift the collective
362
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,360
from a level of third dimensional thinking
363
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,240
to fifth dimensional thinking.
364
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,720
So I'm downloaded with this whole scene.
365
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:51,360
And I'm realizing that I'm actually a spiritual warrior.
366
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:55,280
And then my perception shifts to another scene.
367
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,160
And everything is happening simultaneously
368
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,520
all at the exact same moment.
369
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,640
And I find myself in front of this table of beings.
370
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,040
And I don't know who they are, but I didn't even
371
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,440
need to ask because they were most certainly people
372
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,640
in charge of something.
373
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,320
And so I just had this great respect.
374
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,360
Like I felt like a great feeling of respect for them.
375
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,440
And they had what looked like this big, giant gold book
376
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:19,480
in front of them.
377
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:20,840
And they were thumbing through it.
378
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,960
And they were like, hey, it's good to see you.
379
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,200
Get prepared for your trip back.
380
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,080
You're not meant to stay.
381
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,720
And I'm like looking over my shoulders, like all around me.
382
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,360
I'm like, you guys aren't talking to me, are you?
383
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,120
Because I don't know where I am, but I'm definitely staying.
384
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:39,000
This place feels way better than the place that I just was.
385
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,440
And I am definitely staying here.
386
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:42,880
And they're thumbing through the book.
387
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,120
And they're saying, no, no, no, you're not finished yet.
388
00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,520
You still have a lot more that you have to do.
389
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,720
You haven't completed your mission.
390
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,240
And so then they take me through the details
391
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,400
of my pre-birth plan.
392
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,840
So they showed me that I, as a soul,
393
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:01,160
had actually designed my life before I came to Earth.
394
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,920
And the way that it looked in my mind's eye
395
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,280
was a lot like a grocery store.
396
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:07,200
And there was this man who was guiding me
397
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,400
through the grocery store.
398
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,640
We had this big, empty grocery cart.
399
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,760
He was wearing a plaid blazer and a fedora.
400
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,480
And he said, OK, pick your life.
401
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,920
And so I start grabbing all of these.
402
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,520
They looked like cereal boxes off of the grocery store shelves.
403
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,840
And each cereal box had a life experience on it.
404
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,720
And so I'm this little orb of light.
405
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,280
And I'm like, well, if I'm going to Earth,
406
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,640
I'm really going to Earth.
407
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:36,520
And I start grabbing every cereal box I could get my hands on.
408
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,840
So I'm picking sexual trauma.
409
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,760
I picked my parents, the family line
410
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,920
that I would be born into, my gender, my ethnicity.
411
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,040
I picked all of my life's challenges.
412
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,560
And then I also picked all of my life's purpose
413
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,720
and the pieces of my mission.
414
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,200
So there's a box in the cart that says author.
415
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,000
There's a box in the cart that says spiritual awakening.
416
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,320
There's a box in the cart that says recovery.
417
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,640
But none of those things had happened in my life yet.
418
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:03,880
So they didn't resonate.
419
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:07,240
So I just thought, wow, that's very lovely cart filler.
420
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,080
So I'm taking through this whole scene.
421
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,680
And every time that I grab a box, there's
422
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,920
a little orb of light behind it waiting
423
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:19,400
to come into contract with me to complete the experience.
424
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,840
So the one that really sticks out very vividly for me
425
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,760
is the box of childhood sexual trauma.
426
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,000
As I picked that box, a little orb of light
427
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,680
came out behind it.
428
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,360
And it was the soul of the man who would abuse me
429
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:34,760
as a small child.
430
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,760
And we came orb to orb, face to face with each other,
431
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:38,960
so to speak.
432
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,720
And we came into contract.
433
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,760
And I was downloaded with the reasons why.
434
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,680
And one of the main reasons was that I had been his abuser
435
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,920
in a previous life and that we were balancing the energy.
436
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,480
Another reason is that we were transmuting this
437
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:56,440
for the collective, not just for this particular soul,
438
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,880
but for the entire collective as a whole.
439
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:04,600
So then I had this great sense of freedom come over me.
440
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:09,480
It felt like two tons of bondage had been released from my back.
441
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,880
I was no longer a victim to my circumstance.
442
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:16,440
I was actually a divine co-creator of my experience.
443
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,280
Things had no longer happened to me.
444
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,800
They had actually happened for me.
445
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,240
Because on some soul level, I had chosen it
446
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,200
for the involvement of myself.
447
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,920
Now, my human cannot understand how any of those experiences
448
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,960
could involve me as a spirit.
449
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:35,600
But today I have unwavering faith that my soul is in charge
450
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,000
and knows exactly what's going on.
451
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,120
That is so amazing.
452
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:42,480
And the thought that people would actually choose
453
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,920
really hard, sometimes horrible, difficult things
454
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,960
is hard to understand.
455
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:54,240
But I guess in a realm like that, and realizing that, hey,
456
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,600
I'm choosing this because I'm going to learn something from it.
457
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,960
Is that the idea of the choices?
458
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,640
Yeah, yes, absolutely.
459
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:05,040
And again, because it does something for the collective
460
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,560
itself as a ripple.
461
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,680
So right now, because we're in the midst of the Great Awakening,
462
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:12,160
the collective needs a lot of negative energy
463
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,880
to be transmuted.
464
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:18,120
So I took on all of these challenges, not only
465
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,680
because I wanted to heal the family line that I was
466
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,040
choosing to be born into, but I wanted to heal these things
467
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,040
for the collective itself.
468
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:28,320
So in case someone doesn't get a chance
469
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,680
to experience the healing from these things,
470
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:34,200
I'm experiencing it and creating a ripple out in collective
471
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,000
so that other people can jump into that ripple
472
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,760
if they so choose.
473
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,680
OK, before we move on from the grocery store,
474
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,280
is that what you call it?
475
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,120
Yeah, I mean, it was.
476
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,000
It was like a little grocery store.
477
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,880
I have a whole bunch of questions here.
478
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,120
So I'll try to get through a couple of them quickly.
479
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:54,960
This whole thing about you mentioned the word contract.
480
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,680
So you chose these experiences, and there
481
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,000
was some kind of a binding contract that went with them?
482
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,360
Well, I wouldn't say binding because that sounds
483
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:05,920
like so condemning.
484
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:09,400
Like if you don't complete your contract, it's OK.
485
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,240
You'll probably have to come back again and finish it,
486
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:17,160
but it's not as definitive as that.
487
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,640
It's not like a jail cell.
488
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:25,520
So I'm a big believer in agency and our freedom to choose,
489
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,840
and I'm not a big believer in that everything is
490
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,040
predestined ahead of time.
491
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,040
I believe that we can make choices along the way.
492
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,680
Does that fit into what you're talking about?
493
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:41,600
In other words, you made some of these choices beforehand.
494
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,080
During this life, could you make some different choices
495
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,840
and change that path if you chose to?
496
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,400
And is that a bad thing based on the contract
497
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,480
that you entered into earlier?
498
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:55,760
I know that's a lot of big questions there.
499
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:56,920
No, no, that's great.
500
00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:00,360
So number one, there's no way to mess this up.
501
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,920
It's not real.
502
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,840
So there's really no way to mess it up.
503
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,120
It's just kind of a game that we're playing.
504
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:09,280
So free will and pre-birth planning
505
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:11,160
are not mutually exclusive.
506
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:12,520
They go together.
507
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,480
So pre-birth planning, I have picked out
508
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,840
the major plot points in my story.
509
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:22,560
Now, I exercise my free will as a human here on Earth
510
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,600
by designing everything in between that.
511
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:29,320
So let's say that I have five major plot points in my life.
512
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,360
I can make loops and turns.
513
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:32,640
They're not linear.
514
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:35,480
So for instance, one of my major plot points
515
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:39,160
was addiction and recovery and spiritual awakening.
516
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,160
Those are some of my major plot points.
517
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:45,640
So I could have come off of the path of addiction,
518
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:47,360
like 15 years ago.
519
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,240
But I kept making my own free will decisions
520
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:55,080
to continue on with the learning of that part of the lesson.
521
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:58,200
And then at the point where I had gotten to where
522
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:01,040
it was the spiritual awakening plot point needed
523
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:04,080
to start to take place, it was like the recovery
524
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:07,000
and the spiritual awakening plot point coincided.
525
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,880
Like they crashed into each other,
526
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,160
because I had taken so many twists and turns along the way
527
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,920
that now my plot points were going to mesh with each other.
528
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,080
I could have come into spiritual awakening very slow
529
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:18,960
and steady.
530
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,920
And in fact, many times, I think that
531
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,800
would have been a lot nicer than getting
532
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,000
a bucket of ice water thrown on my head
533
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,000
and a bunch of spiritual bricks thrown at my face.
534
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,760
Again, free will is the decisions
535
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,760
that we make in between the plot points.
536
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:36,880
But I have a deep knowing that we do pick specific things
537
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:39,960
to do in our lifetime before we come here.
538
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,320
It's like picking a major in college.
539
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,200
We've picked the classes that we want to take.
540
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:45,600
Yeah.
541
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,280
And then we often change it if we feel like it later.
542
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:49,000
Yeah.
543
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:53,000
You mentioned the quote, storyline of creation.
544
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:53,600
What was that?
545
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,720
What was that?
546
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,000
That's real hard to articulate into words.
547
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:01,680
So one way that I can is that I was downloaded
548
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:06,680
with the divine feminine and the divine masculine storyline
549
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:08,040
of creation.
550
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,960
So you see this reflected in every mythology.
551
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:16,760
Every pantheon has its own divine masculine and divine
552
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,520
feminine energy, every mythological family.
553
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:23,080
So there's Jesus and Magdalene, Shiva and Shakti,
554
00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:27,080
Hera and Zeus, Adam and Eve, Isis and Osiris.
555
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:31,280
So I was shown that we as souls are here
556
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:36,200
to express the divine masculine and divine feminine energy
557
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,200
within ourselves.
558
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:38,640
It doesn't necessarily mean that you're
559
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:42,800
supposed to have a masculine and a feminine human being.
560
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:46,760
Inside of my soul, it's divided into two, a masculine
561
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:48,120
and a feminine energy.
562
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,480
And this is proven in science with left brain
563
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:52,080
and right brain thinking.
564
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:55,080
OK, so it wasn't about the creation of the Earth
565
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:56,960
or some galaxy or something.
566
00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:58,640
It was more about us.
567
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,080
It was more about the soul's journey here.
568
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:02,680
Again, Earth is an illusion.
569
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:03,680
It's not real.
570
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:05,680
So it's really just like, where do you
571
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,960
decide to pick up the storyline from?
572
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:12,400
So what makes you think that Earth is an illusion and not real?
573
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,640
Well, I'll say I've got lots of reasons why I think that.
574
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,080
One of the main reasons is I'm a student and a teacher
575
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,240
of a course in miracles, and in that metaphysical text, which
576
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,440
is a channeled message from Jesus,
577
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,400
it tells us that this world that we live inside of
578
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:28,360
is a dream.
579
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:31,560
And it can be a nightmare or it can be a happy dream,
580
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:34,000
depending on where your thought forms go.
581
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:38,080
That was something that gave me the confirmation of what
582
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,680
I had experienced in my spiritual experience.
583
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,200
When I woke up in the space of eternity,
584
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,920
it felt like I had woken up from a dream.
585
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:48,440
I remember kind of like shaking my head and going like,
586
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:50,080
whoa, that was so weird.
587
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:51,800
Did my parents kill themselves?
588
00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,000
Crazy.
589
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,040
The same way that you would wake up from a dream
590
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,400
and you'd only be able to grab three seconds of it
591
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,320
when you're actually sleeping.
592
00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:01,400
So that's what it felt like.
593
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:04,720
Sometimes I can look around and just sort of see the energy
594
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:08,240
vibrating in the walls around me and say,
595
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,080
I can't believe I think this is real.
596
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:14,400
I know that real reality is without form.
597
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:17,440
And this reality where we're in form
598
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:19,280
is just kind of like a little pit stop.
599
00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,560
It's just a ride that we're on.
600
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:26,080
Well, unto us here, if you can see it, feel it, touch it,
601
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:29,440
smell it, et cetera, it must be real, right?
602
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:30,600
Right, yeah.
603
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,200
OK, let's jump back to the grocery store.
604
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:35,080
I want to see what happened next.
605
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:36,360
OK, OK.
606
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,720
So after they had taken me through all of that,
607
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:42,400
and like I said, I had this kind of weight lifted off of me,
608
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,360
I found myself back in front of the table of beings.
609
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,800
And I was so grateful.
610
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:49,600
I just kept saying, wow, I'm so grateful
611
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:50,720
to have this information.
612
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:52,840
I'm so grateful to have this information.
613
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:55,600
I will still not be returning to Earth,
614
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,640
but I am so grateful to know that I actually
615
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,760
picked that crazy life.
616
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:04,200
And they said, listen, you're not going back as a punishment.
617
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,600
You are going back to complete the mission
618
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:08,280
that you signed up for.
619
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,360
So you have to balance your lifetime.
620
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,560
You have to complete the grocery cart.
621
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,040
And I was very dismissive.
622
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,920
And I said, I don't need to go back.
623
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:17,600
I said, listen, you guys don't tell us
624
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:19,640
what Earth is actually like.
625
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:21,280
And I don't think that I can handle it.
626
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,840
I don't think that I can go back and finish.
627
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,760
I said, I definitely cannot go back into her pointing
628
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:27,600
to my own body.
629
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,400
I said, well, I could see my body in the bathroom
630
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:31,520
outside myself.
631
00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:32,320
That's where I was.
632
00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:34,960
That's where my awakening took place inside my bathroom.
633
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:36,360
Glamorous.
634
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:38,120
Yes, I know.
635
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:39,920
I said, she's glitched.
636
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:41,760
She needs way too much healing.
637
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:43,320
Like her body is wrecked.
638
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:46,440
There's no way to fix what she's done.
639
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,880
And they kind of chuckled.
640
00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:50,280
Of course, it can be healed.
641
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:52,640
But I don't understand that.
642
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,680
They said, well, listen, you don't have to go back into her
643
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,040
if you really don't want to.
644
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:57,520
But you do have to go back.
645
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,960
And so we'll show you the baby that you'll be born into.
646
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,760
And so then they took me into this scene
647
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:06,000
where I could see, everything looked a lot like a video game.
648
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:09,160
And that could be because of the generation that I'm born in
649
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:11,080
or because we live in a simulation.
650
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:12,200
You can take your pick.
651
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,720
But so they showed me this little baby and everything
652
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,640
about her, like all of her stats came up next to her.
653
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:19,880
She was beautiful.
654
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:22,880
And they showed me her gender, her ethnicity, her family line,
655
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:25,520
her challenges, her purpose, her mission.
656
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,640
And she was going to have to complete my grocery cart
657
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,440
on top of a couple of other things
658
00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:32,680
that were going to be added because of the family line
659
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:34,640
that she was going to be born into.
660
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:38,760
And so I thought, OK, if these are my only options starting
661
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:43,760
from zero or going back into the body I just came from,
662
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,040
then I'm going to go back into her.
663
00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,720
And they said, listen, we promise you
664
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:51,440
that your life will not be nearly as challenging
665
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:52,640
as it has been.
666
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,600
You're going to be living in awareness now.
667
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:57,920
You're going to have these beautiful spiritual goggles
668
00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:01,520
on that when we come into awareness, we get to wear.
669
00:34:01,520 --> 00:34:04,880
They said, the first part of your life was boot camp.
670
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:07,040
And the second part of your life will be carrying out
671
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:07,960
your mission.
672
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,000
And this time around, you're going to have helpers.
673
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,040
You're going to have kindred spirits, soulmates,
674
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:13,760
mentors, teachers.
675
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:15,280
You're going to find the knowledge
676
00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:17,640
that you need to help you on your way.
677
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:19,880
And your life will be vastly different.
678
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:20,880
Trust us.
679
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,560
And I said, I do not trust you guys.
680
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,560
And then I found myself back in my awareness on my bathroom
681
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:27,400
floor.
682
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,920
And that was the end of my spiritual experience.
683
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:33,240
You told them that you don't trust them?
684
00:34:33,240 --> 00:34:33,760
I do.
685
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:35,600
Yeah, I do not trust them.
686
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:37,160
That was how I felt then.
687
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,360
Now I have a different perception.
688
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:40,920
It's true, though.
689
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:45,680
I feel like I wasn't prepared for what Earth actually was.
690
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:47,920
I had somebody ask me once, do you
691
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,480
think this was an informed decision?
692
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,360
And in a way, I don't.
693
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:56,040
Because when I'm in that spiritual space,
694
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:59,000
as I'm picking the cereal boxes, I'm
695
00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:01,360
feeling the life experience.
696
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,520
But I'm feeling it for a millisecond,
697
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,760
because time doesn't exist there.
698
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:07,600
So I don't realize that I'm going
699
00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:11,120
to be dealing with the grief from my parents' suicide
700
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:12,880
for decades of time.
701
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:14,920
I just think, oh, yeah, I can handle this.
702
00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,200
Or the pain from addiction.
703
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,480
Oh, yeah, this seems like it would be interesting to experience.
704
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:23,400
I don't realize that it's going to be decades of linear time
705
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:24,280
here.
706
00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,040
So for a long time, I felt kind of tricked
707
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:28,400
into this whole experience.
708
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:29,840
Today, I have a different awareness,
709
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:31,120
and I don't feel that way.
710
00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:33,840
But I can understand how other people do.
711
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,400
I can't imagine how hard it was to heal at that point,
712
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:41,560
physically from addictions, as well as having to finally deal
713
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:43,560
with all these emotional things.
714
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,240
What was that process like?
715
00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:46,480
How long did it take?
716
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,840
Because you seem very healthy and happy today.
717
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:50,520
Thank you.
718
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:51,960
Yes, I am.
719
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,720
I drink a gallon of water a day, so that really helps.
720
00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:59,360
But my healing process, I mean, I'm still healing.
721
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:01,040
I'm not cured of addiction.
722
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:02,600
I have a daily practice.
723
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,640
I'm part of a 12-step fellowship.
724
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:07,400
That's something that really helps me.
725
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:10,600
I actually experienced a spontaneous healing
726
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,480
after my spiritual experience.
727
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:15,240
Like I said, this body was very glitched.
728
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,840
After my experience, I wrote the Holding Office Drug
729
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:18,880
and Do Psychosis.
730
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:21,320
I didn't know anything about spirituality.
731
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,840
I didn't know anything about spiritual awakening.
732
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,960
And I definitely refused to believe in anything like that.
733
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:29,440
I just thought, man, I was so high
734
00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:31,120
that I thought I was talking to God.
735
00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:32,520
That's crazy.
736
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,560
And then all of these really beautiful signs and synchronicities
737
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,920
started to take place to let me know that my experience was
738
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:43,080
a true one and that I really had to get onto a different path.
739
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,200
And there was this great sense of urgency
740
00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:47,200
about getting onto the path now.
741
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,080
So my world became very teeny tiny.
742
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:54,680
And I know my guides and my soul made my life
743
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,080
impossible to keep using drugs.
744
00:36:57,080 --> 00:37:00,120
But I had a physical dependency to heroin.
745
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:05,200
So along with mental addictions to countless other substances.
746
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,160
And so it was really challenging for me
747
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:11,360
because I didn't want to deal with the pain of withdrawal.
748
00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:14,080
I found myself on day three of withdrawal
749
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:17,360
because I had no way to get drugs all of a sudden
750
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,080
after decades of using them.
751
00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:20,840
Now all of a sudden I had no dealers.
752
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,600
Nobody wanted to have anything to do with me.
753
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:26,040
And so I found myself on day three of withdrawal,
754
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:27,120
which is the worst.
755
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:29,000
And if you don't have any experience with that,
756
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:30,560
I'm so happy for you.
757
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,560
It's what they depict in films when they show people
758
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:34,880
like really going through it.
759
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:38,800
It feels like your skin is made of broken glass
760
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:42,040
and your bones are campfire logs.
761
00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:42,960
You're sweating.
762
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:47,360
You're sick all over yourself from both ends, aches and pains.
763
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,200
And none of it is even real.
764
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:52,360
Like there's nothing actually physically wrong with you.
765
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,080
And so I was writhing in pain.
766
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,040
And I heard a voice and it said that I could request
767
00:37:58,040 --> 00:37:59,800
what I wanted fixed.
768
00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:01,840
And I was in the throes of desperation.
769
00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:03,560
So I was like, okay, strange voice.
770
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:05,600
I want to no longer be physically dependent
771
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:06,880
to this substance.
772
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,800
Please take this away from me.
773
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:12,440
They told me to lay back, count backwards from 10.
774
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:16,160
And I saw these two little men appear in my mind's eye.
775
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:18,640
And every time I tell the story, I see them again.
776
00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:20,200
And they just like waved to me.
777
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:22,760
So these two men, they were wearing white lab coats
778
00:38:22,760 --> 00:38:24,600
and they had these bulbous noses.
779
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:28,000
And they had these little lawn mowers in front of them.
780
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:31,040
And I watched these men take off
781
00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:32,920
and go in separate directions
782
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:36,960
to start working through every crevice of my mind.
783
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,560
And as they were going, they were mowing out
784
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,480
the old neural pathways
785
00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,200
and they were creating space for the new ones.
786
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:46,760
So my pain receptors were being restored.
787
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:48,760
Again, I'm not actually physically,
788
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:50,840
there's nothing physically happening to me
789
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,720
that I should be feeling this pain.
790
00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:55,280
It's because everything inside my mind is so jumbled
791
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:56,880
because of the substance.
792
00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:58,600
So they were clearing it all out.
793
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,560
And when they finished mapping out my mind,
794
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:05,800
I felt somebody draw X's onto my forehead with their thumb
795
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:08,240
and then a plunger on the crown of my head.
796
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:10,320
And as it plunged down and came back up,
797
00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:12,960
there was this bright white flash.
798
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,400
And I was instantaneously healed
799
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:18,400
out of day three of heroin withdrawal.
800
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,520
I mean, like moments before I was sick
801
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,560
all over myself, welcoming death.
802
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:24,640
And then in an instant,
803
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:27,480
I was completely well and healed and fine.
804
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:29,440
And I couldn't believe it.
805
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:31,440
I threw myself on the ground.
806
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:33,800
I was on my knees crying out,
807
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:35,320
how could this be happening to me?
808
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:36,560
I don't believe in this.
809
00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:40,440
You could not have picked a more unworthy subject
810
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:42,600
to bestow this kind of grace on.
811
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:45,720
And for the contrast, I was an atheist.
812
00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:47,840
I was an orphan to suicide.
813
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:49,000
I was a drug addict.
814
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:50,360
I was a prostitute.
815
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,120
I was a liar, a manipulator, a thief.
816
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:54,240
I was a rapist.
817
00:39:54,240 --> 00:39:55,760
I was a racist.
818
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:57,800
I was all of the things that you would think
819
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:00,560
would not bestow you with any kind of grace.
820
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:02,680
In fact, those are all things that were taught,
821
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:05,920
condemn you to something really terrible.
822
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,360
And there I was completely enveloped,
823
00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:11,080
totally healed, completely fine
824
00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:12,880
because of the unconditional love
825
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:15,040
and grace of source energy.
826
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,640
What did that feel like?
827
00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,000
I mean, it just, you know,
828
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:21,040
this flood of unworthiness tried to take over me.
829
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:21,880
It really did.
830
00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:23,320
And it was quickly combated
831
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,040
by what felt like a shield of light.
832
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:29,640
You know, like the feeling of knowing
833
00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:31,320
that I'm worth something
834
00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:34,080
when I had felt so worthless my whole life,
835
00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,960
I had abused myself to no end,
836
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:38,600
you know, like victimized
837
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:42,680
and just completely abused by myself.
838
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:43,920
I did that.
839
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:47,400
And so, yeah, knowing that I was worthy of something more
840
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:51,200
was just, I mean, obviously it was very life changing.
841
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,480
That's amazing.
842
00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,480
I mean, really amazing.
843
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,880
Okay, what's the moral of the story?
844
00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,520
Well, so I think the moral of the story is
845
00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:01,440
there's no such thing as condemnation.
846
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:03,880
And I think that that's a really big thing that I took away.
847
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:05,360
There is no judgment.
848
00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:07,840
There's no way to mess this up.
849
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,560
And really, you know, the idea that if you do wrong,
850
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:16,440
you don't get to go to heaven.
851
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:17,760
It's just not true.
852
00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:21,000
Like, so for me, I could have come back
853
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,400
and continued living my life the way that I was.
854
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,960
In fact, I did for many months after my experience,
855
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,520
I kept using and manipulating, stealing.
856
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:30,920
Today, I choose to live righteously
857
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:33,000
because it feels better.
858
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:35,920
It feels better to be of service to other people.
859
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,720
I didn't think that I would ever be able to feel good
860
00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:40,760
without a chemical getting me there
861
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:42,760
or experience or a person
862
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:46,160
or whatever I was using to make me feel things.
863
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:49,480
And today, just by being of service to other people,
864
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:52,760
this is the highest that I've ever been in my life.
865
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,200
And it feels much more aligned
866
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,920
with that fit dimensional level of thinking,
867
00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:01,120
which is a service spirit centered level of thinking.
868
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:03,720
Thinking outside of yourself for others.
869
00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:04,720
Yes.
870
00:42:04,720 --> 00:42:07,080
What do you say to someone who may say,
871
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:11,480
hey, all that was was a drug induced psychosis.
872
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:13,800
Oh yeah, I mean, I thought the same thing.
873
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:15,160
I'm totally with you.
874
00:42:15,160 --> 00:42:16,520
I'm totally with you.
875
00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:19,680
But if you see before and after pictures of me,
876
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:23,960
you can tell that there is something much bigger going on.
877
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:26,160
I mean, I don't even look like the same person.
878
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:28,640
It's incredible, incredible.
879
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:31,760
And there was still many divine signs and synchronicities
880
00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:33,720
that took place after my experience
881
00:42:33,720 --> 00:42:36,440
to let me know that it was a true one
882
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:38,880
and that something big must be happening.
883
00:42:38,880 --> 00:42:42,000
If I was awoken, I know something's happening
884
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:43,000
on a grand scale.
885
00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:45,040
This was not part of my picture.
886
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:47,720
We're in the midst of transformation.
887
00:42:47,720 --> 00:42:49,920
Yeah, and you mentioned the great awakening.
888
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,360
What do you mean by that?
889
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:55,560
So I am under the impression from my spiritual downloads
890
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,800
that we are in the midst of transformation of consciousness
891
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:03,160
that life as we know it right now will soon be transforming.
892
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,520
And some of us are already on the path to that.
893
00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:08,640
Some of us are living spirit led lives.
894
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:11,680
And that's the difference between 3D and 5D.
895
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:14,840
3D is a very materialistic way of looking at things,
896
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:20,080
very ego-centered, and 5D is spirit and service-centered.
897
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:23,280
So it's about that sort of shift in consciousness
898
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:26,360
where we'll become much more kind to each other.
899
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:29,880
But it's like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
900
00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:31,800
Everything has to burn to the ground first
901
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:35,240
before we can kind of ascend into that level of thought.
902
00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:39,000
And this does feel like something going on worldwide, doesn't it?
903
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:40,200
Oh, definitely.
904
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:41,040
You're amazing.
905
00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:43,080
Did this take a lot of psychotherapy too,
906
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:47,080
or was your healing just overall like,
907
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:49,000
Wham, you were there already?
908
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:49,480
Oh, yeah.
909
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:52,720
I think my healing process was more like,
910
00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:54,560
well, I had to figure out how to be a person
911
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:57,680
without using drugs because I had never done that.
912
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:01,920
So I went into a long-term rehab where they basically
913
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:06,120
broke me down into a pile of mush and then built me back up.
914
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:08,680
And I was there for a year and a half.
915
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:11,920
So I had space just to sit and learn
916
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,480
and use my mind for the first time in my life.
917
00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:18,640
I devoured every sacred text, cover to cover.
918
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:21,600
And I started to figure out what it was that I liked about them
919
00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:25,560
and what I could take and design my own spirituality around.
920
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:28,200
So I think more than psychotherapy,
921
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:31,720
it was really just about finding my spiritual connection
922
00:44:31,720 --> 00:44:34,920
and relying on my guides to help me.
923
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:38,160
Well, something worked because it's not easy for somebody
924
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:41,640
to be able to say all the things that you did.
925
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:47,200
I was an addict, an abuser, a prostitute, all these things
926
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:49,440
without just wallowing in guilt.
927
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:51,640
And oh, my gosh, I'm a horrible person.
928
00:44:51,640 --> 00:44:54,120
And you've somehow gotten past that.
929
00:44:54,120 --> 00:44:55,200
It's fake, Eric.
930
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:56,640
This isn't even real.
931
00:44:56,640 --> 00:44:58,320
Like, why wouldn't I be honest?
932
00:44:58,320 --> 00:44:59,480
It's not real.
933
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:03,320
And I also, I work the 12 steps in a 12-step fellowship.
934
00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,840
So that's also really helpful with letting go of guilt
935
00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:06,680
and shame.
936
00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:09,800
My past doesn't have any bondage over my present anymore
937
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,880
because, you know, first of all, it's gone.
938
00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:14,520
There's nothing that I can do about it.
939
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:16,720
So the only thing that I can do about it
940
00:45:16,720 --> 00:45:18,520
is make living amends.
941
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,920
So now, you know, like I caused harm to my partners
942
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:22,720
in the past.
943
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,960
Now I'm a better partner today, where
944
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:27,640
I caused a lot of harm to other women in my past.
945
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:29,360
So now I'm a better friend today,
946
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,520
and I assist women on their healing journeys
947
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,280
instead of harming them.
948
00:45:33,280 --> 00:45:36,120
And so just by letting go of that guilt and shame,
949
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:40,840
I'm able to continue on the path and do righteous things.
950
00:45:40,840 --> 00:45:42,520
Yeah, that's great.
951
00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:45,480
OK, before I let you go, I want to come back to one thing
952
00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:47,920
and have you explain this just a little bit more
953
00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:51,000
because this sounded pretty neat.
954
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:54,680
As you were at that table with the beings, right,
955
00:45:54,680 --> 00:45:58,560
and you said something like, you didn't want to go back
956
00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:02,120
because this felt so much better.
957
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:06,360
Describe that and how that has helped you today.
958
00:46:06,360 --> 00:46:07,480
That's a great question.
959
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:09,040
Thank you for that.
960
00:46:09,040 --> 00:46:15,800
The way that it felt in heaven was peace and joy and love
961
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:17,440
and connection.
962
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:19,040
And it felt like home.
963
00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:21,320
I mean, I thought that I knew what home was.
964
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,640
I don't know if I ever experienced a very happy home.
965
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:27,400
But you know, I did have little glimpses of it
966
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:28,760
throughout my life.
967
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:31,160
And this was not even comparable to it.
968
00:46:31,160 --> 00:46:35,000
It was beyond anything that I could ever conceive.
969
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,280
So a long time after my experience,
970
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:40,160
I thought that my goal was just to get back to heaven.
971
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:43,080
And I thought that I had to do recovery to do that.
972
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:45,640
So I stopped using drugs.
973
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:48,040
And I had 14 days off drugs.
974
00:46:48,040 --> 00:46:50,560
And I said, OK, God, I'm doing what you want.
975
00:46:50,560 --> 00:46:52,400
Can you send me back home yet?
976
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:53,880
And then no response.
977
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:55,800
And then a month goes by.
978
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:56,800
Same thing.
979
00:46:56,800 --> 00:46:58,720
Still no response.
980
00:46:58,720 --> 00:47:01,640
A year goes by, hey, is somebody coming to get me?
981
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:04,360
Like, can somebody come pick me up?
982
00:47:04,360 --> 00:47:06,920
And I realized after integrating and finding
983
00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:09,640
the spiritual texts that really helped me along my way,
984
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:12,240
that it's not about going back to heaven.
985
00:47:12,240 --> 00:47:15,200
I don't need to go back to heaven to feel that feeling.
986
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:17,040
I can bring heaven here.
987
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:20,400
And I do that, again, by being of service to others,
988
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:23,560
by staying grounded in my spiritual practices,
989
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:27,560
by finding and connecting with my spiritual communities,
990
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:30,840
finding the members of my soul tribe in form,
991
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:35,000
finding the other humans that I felt on that spaceship,
992
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,120
the people that were so excited to come to Earth
993
00:47:37,120 --> 00:47:37,920
for this mission.
994
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:41,280
I found them here on Earth because I set intention.
995
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:42,280
And I prayed for them.
996
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:43,640
And they came to me.
997
00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:46,400
And so now I'm surrounded by the people
998
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:49,680
that I know that I came to Earth to accomplish things with.
999
00:47:49,680 --> 00:47:51,840
And that feels just like heaven to me.
1000
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:55,960
And even the conversation like this feels just like home.
1001
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,640
Because it's about connection and expansion.
1002
00:47:58,640 --> 00:47:59,880
Well, thanks a lot, Betty.
1003
00:47:59,880 --> 00:48:01,720
This has uplifted my whole day.
1004
00:48:01,720 --> 00:48:02,840
Thank you.
1005
00:48:02,840 --> 00:48:03,340
Me too.
1006
00:48:03,340 --> 00:48:04,120
I feel great.
1007
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:07,080
Thanks so much.
1008
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:10,240
Thanks again for listening and sharing this podcast.
1009
00:48:10,240 --> 00:48:12,360
If you've had a roundtrip death experience,
1010
00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:14,120
we would love to hear from you.
1011
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:17,480
Send an email to eric at roundtripdeath.com.
1012
00:48:17,480 --> 00:48:19,720
Until then, I wish you everything good
1013
00:48:19,720 --> 00:48:26,280
that you're looking for in this life and the next.
